Even the Best Doubt Sometime

Last night I couldn't sleep.

There was a lot on my mind, as always, and one of the thing was this quote that I've seen shared a lot on social media from the Come Follow Me lesson for this week:

"Perhaps you know people who never seem to lose their faith, no matter what happens in their lives. They may remind you of the five wise virgins in the Savior’s parable (see Matthew 25:1–13). What you may not see are their diligent efforts to strengthen their testimonies of the truth. We must all seek diligently to strengthen our testimonies because, as the foolish virgins learned, we cannot borrow conversion from anyone else."

It is totally and completely true that diligent efforts to strengthen your testimony can help you not loose your faith and can strengthen your faith. I get that is what they are saying here, and I believe that is true.

At the same time, this quote pulls on my heartstrings a bit because for anyone who is working their little Mormon tail off trying to do all the right things, but still feels on shaky and unsure ground when it comes to faith this quote can be a bit disheartening. 

I am one of those people. I did the Book of Mormon challenge. I've been going the temple. Trying really hard to fulfill my calling (which I super love by the way!), trying to serve others, pray, continue to read my scriptures, implement Come Follow Me with my family; y'all I am trying to do all the things. Most of all, I am just trying to live a life like Jesus.

Yet, I still am feeling the doubts. They come and go but last night they were heavier for whatever reason. I am still feeling on shaky ground. I still feel like my firm foundation of faith has undergone an earthquake and it's still not back to normal.

So this quote makes me feel like I'm not diligent enough, and I'm one of the foolish virgins. I hope no one else feels this way.

But as I pondered this last night I thought about Peter. Peter has been my hero this year as I've struggled with doubts. I love him because he was an apostle of the Lord (Matthew 10:2) and knew Jesus personally in the flesh. Yet he STILL had doubts. He still had fears. He was believing and eager to walk on water towards Jesus, yet let the fear and doubt over come Him. Jesus immediately saved him and said "Wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:31) He could not even conceive the idea that he would ever deny the Savior who he knew was the Christ, yet when the moment came, he denied him three times (Matthew 26).

Yet, Jesus still picked Peter. He asked him to feed his sheep (John 21:15) He called him to continue to serve in the church after his ascension. He preached the gospel, boldly carried out God's will in baptizing gentiles (Acts 10 and 11), and even raised Tabitha from the dead (Acts 9:36-43). 

I love his story. It reminds me that even the best doubt sometimes.

So if you are like me, and sometimes feel like it's hard to find all the answers or silence all the questions or if you find it hard to "doubt not, but be believing" (Mormon 9:27) then please remember, you are NOT one of the foolish virgins. Keep moving forward doing the best you can. Moving forward in the face of doubt IS FAITH. So you have faith. Even if it's small. 

And who knows what God will pick you for one day. I'm sure he's got more than we can imagine in store for us just like he did with Peter. 

So keep going, don't give up, and know you're loved.