I think this is like the 20th or more blog that I've attempted. I keep trying to go with a theme, but then I trail off because my brain doesn't want to stick with a theme. It's all over the place. So this blog is just dedicated to whatever comes to my mind. I know the name is a little weird, it's the only one I could think of with the word "thinking" in it (or something like that) that wasn't taken. Maybe I'll change it one day if I can think of a catchier title.
When I was a kid, writing was everything to me. I loved writing in my journal, writing stories, letters, everything. The busyness of being an adult/mom has pulled me away from my love of writing. But my anxiety is pulling me back. Somewhere I read a great way to fight anxiety and burn out is to go back to what you loved when you were a kid. So here I am.
As I was gearing up to finally start this blog, I stumbled upon several of my other blogs. It's weird to read because I am in such a different place than I've ever been. I feel a bit of nostalgia for the old me. The unquestioning, undoubting me. I would say the less anxious me, but really though anxiety has been a part of my life for most my life I just didn't really realize it/admit it until this year. But, I can love that old me and embrace the current me, while working towards a new me. It's all me, and I want to do better and loving me in all my forms.
This year. Outwardly, it's been perfect. I really can't ask for a better life. Mentally, it's been a roller coaster. In March of this year I had a break down and for the second time in my life I felt like I wanted to end my life. After that I started to realize I needed help, and with encouragement from a good friend I found a good therapist. A month after my break down, all the years of questions I've had about the religion I've grown up in and am still a part of (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) blew up in my face and I fell into a faith crisis. I started doubting everything, even down to the existence of God. (I didn't get to doubting my existence because I've always just held on to good old Descartes's, "I think, therefore I am" philosophy). During this time my youngest wasn't sleeping (still isn't sleeping great) so I would be up in the dark for hours, rocking my small one, wondering what is real.
I've learned doubt is so painful. I always wrote it off before when friends approached me with doubt. They needed to read the scriptures more, pray more, etc. They left the church because they judged the people, not the doctrines. But doubt has been so much more painful than I ever imagined. It is miserable.
I think in my pre doubt era, I would have told myself "Just stop doubting if it is miserable!" And I wish I could. It's weirdly like (and possibly connected to) anxiety. "Just stop worrying! It's silly to worry!" And I know these things, but I just. Can't. Turn. It. Off. Not that easily at least. Or I haven't figured out how to yet?
The other hard thing is that in my anxiety, turning to Jesus was everything. It was how I got through. But when Jesus was in question, and I had anxiety attacks, I had no where to go. I am going to say it again. Doubt is so much more painful than I ever imagined.
As I write this now, I'm not in the clear. I have moments of clarity, but then I feel lost in a fog of unknowns. I've decided I have a shoulder skeptic. Some people have shoulder angels or devils, but mine is a skeptic. Every "proof" people throw at me of a God or truth is met with questions from my shoulder skeptic. I want to believe, but the skeptic makes me hesitate.
Right now I think I can hear those who've never faced intense doubts coming up with a lovely sermon for me. It's okay, I get it. You want to help. The thing is though, this, like anxiety, is in my head. It's my own battle. There's not much anyone else can do. I just have to figure out this on my own. But I appreciate the sermons, lectures, well intention-ed advice. But really, I'm on my own.
How am I going to fight the battle you ask? (Or you don't, but I want to tell you anyway) I am going to just move forward. I think I've decided that truth is not as clear cut as I thought it was. Well maybe it is, but not for me. I think for me, finding truth is going to be a life long journey. Before I always maintained that every source of truth -history, science, experience, logic, etc.- can be flawed except for the Spirit, so the spirit is the one way to know truth. Well, the problem with that is that while the spirit may be the only unflawed way to know truth, I am flawed and I am not a perfect interpreter of the spirit, or sometimes I am not even sure what the spirit is. What if all along I thought it was the spirit but it just was my thought? My emotion? So while the spirit still may be the only way to know truth, flawed little me is still biased on how I interpret and understand the spirit.
So this is why it is going to be a process. I'm accepting that I will not know truth perfectly in this life, because I will not be perfected in this life. I am accepting it's a journey, a life long experiment. As I've read in Alma 32, it's a long process of trying, keeping, throwing out, trying again, etc. (More on this later).
In the end, faith is all I've got. I do not know there is a God (but if I did, there would be no need for faith) but I believe. I believe He is loving. I believe He gave us multiples ways of learning truth because He knew we are all imperfect and flawed and it will take time and studying and experimenting to really find truth. I believe He is okay if I get it wrong sometime, and that if I keep trying to learn truth, He'll keep guiding me to find more of it bit by bit. I believe in Jesus. I still can't talk about Him with out that warm, fuzzy Spirit-like feeling in my heart (er, what I always thought was the spirit). I believe in His grace. And that's where I am going to start.
When I was a kid, writing was everything to me. I loved writing in my journal, writing stories, letters, everything. The busyness of being an adult/mom has pulled me away from my love of writing. But my anxiety is pulling me back. Somewhere I read a great way to fight anxiety and burn out is to go back to what you loved when you were a kid. So here I am.
As I was gearing up to finally start this blog, I stumbled upon several of my other blogs. It's weird to read because I am in such a different place than I've ever been. I feel a bit of nostalgia for the old me. The unquestioning, undoubting me. I would say the less anxious me, but really though anxiety has been a part of my life for most my life I just didn't really realize it/admit it until this year. But, I can love that old me and embrace the current me, while working towards a new me. It's all me, and I want to do better and loving me in all my forms.
This year. Outwardly, it's been perfect. I really can't ask for a better life. Mentally, it's been a roller coaster. In March of this year I had a break down and for the second time in my life I felt like I wanted to end my life. After that I started to realize I needed help, and with encouragement from a good friend I found a good therapist. A month after my break down, all the years of questions I've had about the religion I've grown up in and am still a part of (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) blew up in my face and I fell into a faith crisis. I started doubting everything, even down to the existence of God. (I didn't get to doubting my existence because I've always just held on to good old Descartes's, "I think, therefore I am" philosophy). During this time my youngest wasn't sleeping (still isn't sleeping great) so I would be up in the dark for hours, rocking my small one, wondering what is real.
I've learned doubt is so painful. I always wrote it off before when friends approached me with doubt. They needed to read the scriptures more, pray more, etc. They left the church because they judged the people, not the doctrines. But doubt has been so much more painful than I ever imagined. It is miserable.
I think in my pre doubt era, I would have told myself "Just stop doubting if it is miserable!" And I wish I could. It's weirdly like (and possibly connected to) anxiety. "Just stop worrying! It's silly to worry!" And I know these things, but I just. Can't. Turn. It. Off. Not that easily at least. Or I haven't figured out how to yet?
The other hard thing is that in my anxiety, turning to Jesus was everything. It was how I got through. But when Jesus was in question, and I had anxiety attacks, I had no where to go. I am going to say it again. Doubt is so much more painful than I ever imagined.
As I write this now, I'm not in the clear. I have moments of clarity, but then I feel lost in a fog of unknowns. I've decided I have a shoulder skeptic. Some people have shoulder angels or devils, but mine is a skeptic. Every "proof" people throw at me of a God or truth is met with questions from my shoulder skeptic. I want to believe, but the skeptic makes me hesitate.
Right now I think I can hear those who've never faced intense doubts coming up with a lovely sermon for me. It's okay, I get it. You want to help. The thing is though, this, like anxiety, is in my head. It's my own battle. There's not much anyone else can do. I just have to figure out this on my own. But I appreciate the sermons, lectures, well intention-ed advice. But really, I'm on my own.
How am I going to fight the battle you ask? (Or you don't, but I want to tell you anyway) I am going to just move forward. I think I've decided that truth is not as clear cut as I thought it was. Well maybe it is, but not for me. I think for me, finding truth is going to be a life long journey. Before I always maintained that every source of truth -history, science, experience, logic, etc.- can be flawed except for the Spirit, so the spirit is the one way to know truth. Well, the problem with that is that while the spirit may be the only unflawed way to know truth, I am flawed and I am not a perfect interpreter of the spirit, or sometimes I am not even sure what the spirit is. What if all along I thought it was the spirit but it just was my thought? My emotion? So while the spirit still may be the only way to know truth, flawed little me is still biased on how I interpret and understand the spirit.
So this is why it is going to be a process. I'm accepting that I will not know truth perfectly in this life, because I will not be perfected in this life. I am accepting it's a journey, a life long experiment. As I've read in Alma 32, it's a long process of trying, keeping, throwing out, trying again, etc. (More on this later).
In the end, faith is all I've got. I do not know there is a God (but if I did, there would be no need for faith) but I believe. I believe He is loving. I believe He gave us multiples ways of learning truth because He knew we are all imperfect and flawed and it will take time and studying and experimenting to really find truth. I believe He is okay if I get it wrong sometime, and that if I keep trying to learn truth, He'll keep guiding me to find more of it bit by bit. I believe in Jesus. I still can't talk about Him with out that warm, fuzzy Spirit-like feeling in my heart (er, what I always thought was the spirit). I believe in His grace. And that's where I am going to start.
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